“What’s your favourite scary movie?”… Well, not this one!

Personally, having just finished Scream 7 and now writing this review, I have experienced a surreal moment in my affection for this long running franchise which I’ll explain,

1996 – I had fallen out of love of movies that year, mostly thanks to a hot summer and the football tournament EURO 96 taking place in the UK, which led to endless parties in which films were the last thing on my mind. It was only because I was talked into seeing this “new horror film by Wes Craven” and the fact that it was directed by the Elm St legend himself, that I said “yes” and walked into that cinema totally oblivious to what the much-missed maestro and writer Kevin Williamson were set to offer.

111 minutes of pure fun and horror later, I sat in my chair looking up to the big screen as the final credits rolled with unexpected feelings of elation and instant love towards a film that just introduced this born again horror fan to the bogeyman called Ghostface and of course to one of greatest final girls of all time – Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell). I am being honest and say the original SCREAM had such an impact in my life that it made me feel rejuvenated towards all thing’s cinema and what a twelve months I had to come with Face/Off and Con Air on the horizon with of course the equally brilliant SCREAM 2 heading my way.

I am a bit biased when it comes to this franchise, even the “worst” of the bunch – most notably SCREAM 3 for all its many faults, I’ll defend – and I still get protective of SCREAM 4 which I firmly believe is one of the most underrated slashers of all time. But now 30 years later as I sat in that chair, once more looking up to the big screen, watching the final credits roll on the seventh film of Ghostface, my feelings are totally opposite to how I felt all those years ago.

Sorry, but SCREAM 7 is an absolute disaster. A ghastly written slasher that Randy Meeks himself would pour scorn on or worse of all, its the kind of entry that would make Ritchie Kirsch pick up a knife having bare witnessed to the level of stupidity being offered to a cherished fanbase.

And yet it all starts well. The opening sequence – always important to fans – is a good one. A couple, led by Landman’s Michelle Randolph decide unwisely to spend the night in the infamous house of Stu Macher’s which no doubt will bring a wave of nostalgia for many fans, thanks to its music score and multiple references to the previous entries which all leads to the arrival of a brand new Ghostface, a set-piece that briefly promises something great is about to happen.

But apart from the arrival of Courtney Cox and her iconic Gale Weathers, a staggering great moment, fitting for the franchise, the rest of the running time is just eye-watering bad. The plot moves from Woodsboro to Haddonfield – OK not really but with the many tree leaves on the ground, you do expect Myers to be lurking somewhere – but its still a similar looking town to which Sidney, now a coffee shop owner, resides with her daughter Tatum (Isabel May) and husband Mark – not that one – (Joel McHale) who just happens to be a police officer – again not that one!

Let’s ignore how Tatum can be 17 years of age when Scream 4 came out in 2011 but trust me in a film where characters do the most stupid of things, that’s the least fans have to worry about. Having to sit through a slow paced dreadful long few minutes from the first kill, until we finally get the traditional phone-call, Sidney realises she is once more targeted and worse of all the new killer has found the use of AI to entice the terror. It’s a great concept that doesn’t quite work, perhaps in a better script it would have but here it sadly means we lose the identity of Roger L Jackson whose raspy tone behind the calls is just as important to the thrills and spills.

Tatum of course is the obvious target, who just happens to have a boyfriend (Ben) Sam Rechner whose entrance climbing through her bedroom window and quoting the same dialogue of Billy Loomis brought groans from those sitting behind me. I would go through the list of the other teen characters, but they are so weekly written and underdeveloped that not one of them will stay in your memory while watching. The arrival of two of the CORE FOUR in Chad (Mason Gooding) and Mindy (Jasmin Savoy Brown) bridges the gap between the previous entries, even though, fans of part 5 and 6 who are already annoyed at the behind the scenes fiasco that meant the Carpenter sisters (Melissa Barrera and Jenna Ortega) not included in this entry, will be equally frustrated at just how underused the twins are in this film.

Same can be said for Cox who again must be deeply frustrated in how Gale is portrayed and used in this entry, without spoilers- it’s totally unforgiveable in some respects, which only highlights just how bad the writing is throughout. Cheap cameos only dilute the already weak fan-service and as we get to the final act, the killer or killers will be so obvious that you may feel that a 1960’s Scooby Doo cartoon did it better and the motive is so damn laughable and groan inducing cringy that you’ll end up wondering if they haven’t put the wrong reel in and you’re actually watching Scary Movie 6.

Some nasty kills will easily please those looking for the cheapest thrill, but fans of SCREAM will know the rules of a horror film, so watching characters -even Sidney – doing the most idiotic things will infuriate throughout – it’s a sequel to which the 1996 film took the meta joke out of – and for us its simply not good enough to bear witness to what we seeing. It seems we’ve reached a crisis point for our love of GHOSTFACE – figure projections suggests that this will be a juggernaut at the box-office so a SCREAM 8 is inevitable – but for the first time in my love for this franchise. I am wondering, is it time to let Sidney find peace?

Yes folks- those thoughts can only mean that Scream 7 is that bad

1.5 HATCHET OUT OF 5